I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
