Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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