My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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