I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
