the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
