this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
