seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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