I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
