She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
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