allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
sarcasm needs its own font
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
