I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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