This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
