I want to have your abortion
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
