I smell stomach acid.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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