i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
