Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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