if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Randomize
