do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Randomize
