My hair reeks of homosexuality.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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