i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
