sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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