Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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