Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
