fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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