Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Are we still banned from the library?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
