So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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