And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
