..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
