Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
