i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
