Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
