I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i think i have two assholes
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The struggles of a small town man whore
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
