Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
