so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
