PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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