maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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