Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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