I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
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