Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I have tasted many bathrooms
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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