Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
