I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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