I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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