Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
