do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
