my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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