Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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