Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
