I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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