Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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