My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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