i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
