My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
