My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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