you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
