I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
