i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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