I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
where am i from again
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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